I haven’t posted as much as I would have liked lately. Between other school work, projects to further my goals and managing the life I have outside of school, time has not been my friend. I’m always moving, always pushing to get stronger and become more reliable, and if I’m being honest, its killing me. However, I can never admit that to myself, so I continue to give as much of myself away just to move forward.
My days are scheduled trying to get as much work done as possible, I leave more notes for myself than a composer leaves for his orchestra. I juggle what I have to do so much I’m surprised I only have two arms. I never admit to myself that I’ve had enough, so I’ll just push whatever pain and sadness I might have down until I can’t feel anything anymore. My body hurts, my brain is fried and I’m so exhausted that I can’t sleep at night.
I can’t turn off and the sad part is, a part of me doesn’t want to stop. I have this need to become someone worth mourning years from now when I’m dead and gone, and I know how that sounds and I know that thats no way to live a life but thats how I live mine right now. I’m waiting for the sweet bliss of death at age 20. I am an unstoppable train wreck just trying my best and I don’t even remember where the tracks are.